Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere. – Albert Einstein.

Dream no small dreams… for they have no power. – Goethe

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence – HL Mencken

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a door mat or a prostitute. – Rebecca West

Remember this, we’ve got only one great reason for living, to love and be loved. That’s our soul reason for existence. – A Summer Place

Everyone is like a butterfly, they start out ugly and awkward and then morph into beautiful graceful butterflies that everyone loves. – Drew Berrymore

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice.

My fault, my failure, is not the passions I have, but in the lack of control of them. – Jack Kerouac

Amateurs will practice until they can get something right, professionals will practice until they CAN’T get it wrong.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

People are going to want you, need you, exceed you,t ake you, loe you, hate you, play you, rate you, save you, and break you, but that’s what makes you.

Shoot pictures, not people.

When I was 5 years old, my Mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. – Paulo Coehlo

Being able to survive it doesn’t mean that it was ever ok… – PostSecret

Do things with passion or not at all.

Expect nothing and appreciate everything.

Love, it’s not a maybe thing.

If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

I may not be perfect, but I’m always me.

Old enough to know better, too young to care.

It’s better to be a bitch than a doormat.

Off is the general direction in which I wish you would fuck.

Fearless: being totally afraid but living in spite of those fears. Jumping anyway.

Distance is not for the fearful. It is for the bold. It is for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It is for those knowing a good thing when they see it. Even if they don’t see it nearly enough.

Sometimes the dreams that come true are dreams you never even knew you had.

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride… – Solbeam

I believe in love, lust, sex and romance. I don’t want everything to add up to the perfect equation. I want a mess and chaos. I want someone to go crazy, out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion, heat and madness.

My feelings for you are complicated. The only thing I know is you make me smile and I will continue to fight for that.

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, and who always will. And in the end you learn who is fake, who is true and who would risk it all for you.

Life is about trusting our feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past.

If history repeats itself, i am TOTALLY getting a dinosaur!

Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak. Sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go.

I’m not afraid of happy endings. I’m just afraid my life won’t work that way.

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

No one is going to love you if you don’t love yourself.

I’m not cool because I have a mac. I have a mac because I’m not an idiot.

I believe in love. Real love. ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t live-without-each-other love.

&&you walk away with a great little story. About a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you.

Here’s a big FUCK YOU to the calls I waited for, the dates I hoped for, the love I wanted, the tears I cried, and the heart you broke, asshole.

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. – Marilyn Monroe

No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helps you. – Althea Gibson

Anyone can be passionate, it takes real loves to be silly. – Rose Franken

I only like you when you give me cookies.

Peace and love bitches, happiness is free.

The only one that can stop me is the one in the mirror.

You may see me struggle, but you will never see me fall.

I think the only reason why people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don’t change when everything else does.

Write drunk. Edit sober. – Hemingway

Move on. It’s just a chapter in the past. But don’t close the book, just turn the page.

Remember. Happiness is a way of travel, not a destination.

Also, today I was talking to my male genius cousin and he way saying how it would be so much cooler if New Years Eve was a Saturday night, because then you could say when the clock turned midnight it would be the next second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year, and generation. All in one foul second hand swoop. And that would have been pretty freaking sweet. I also hope for a leap year soon, but have to wait a couple years for that… Sad.

So, in no particular order, but more of train of thought that starts as order of occurrance, here are some occurrences warranting some sort of importance to me, highs or lows…

2nd half of Christmas break at home my freshman year.

Going to Texas for a bowl game, walking around the Alamo with friends, got so bus sick I thought I was going to physically pass out. Taught people to knit. Went to that restaurant where they are purposely jerks to you but the food is mediocre, but nonetheless it is an experience. Ate at a McDonalds in Kansas, where they charged me for ranch dressing.

Got to be great friends with the big clique on my floor, everyone got along really well!

Friends on my floor surprised me for my birthday with cake. And we drank pineapple soda in the hammock, our happy place. And the last picture of me when I was 18 was me studying at my desk. Ha. I never used my desk.

Dated a boy who was amazing, at first. That’s how they all start, right? Lol. We had so much in common. Theatre geek with a jew fro and same taste in music. Valentines day surprise. Spent the night at a boys house (holy cow, right? Ha) Went to my first game as a spectator since before I was in band… And it was epic! Rushed the court! Played football with his friends and made a touchdown! Confusing, out of nowhere breakup. Stupid Emotions. “Angry Angry Hate for Dirty Rotten Boys&Bitches (But We’re Not Bitter)” playlist was born at the library.

Floor falls apart. Deception. Drama. Crying. “Have fun smoking pot and playing video games for the rest of your life.” She punched Tim.

The nest! Lauren and Monica and Trupti and Me, inseparable. Deja Vu! And prank wars with the boys. And semi-streaking the quad. Boxers in the fountain.

Shakespeare’s Pizza and floating boats made of recycled goods with the boys. Sleeping on the trampoline. Starting a fire on the wet grass at Evan’s.

Statistics. And Economics. Well, that was a fail. Or rather, a C, or lots of C.

Finals week. Midnight breakfast where we were the minority. Police came, what a racist memory.

Going to the residential life meeting with Kelly, only because she didn’t want to go alone. I was doing band the next year, at the time. Turns out it sounded like something I wanted to do.

CA interview. Interviewed with my current boss. Wore my crazy pink coat and did my hair the same every time so I would be remembered. Made myself step out of my shell and talk all the time, it was awkward and I was somewhat uncomfortable and nervous. Turns out he remembered my bangs, and that talking thing. Hey, whatever works.

Got to know my floor partner, what a creep. Didn’t freak me out, gets weirder now knowing how much he reads my blog. Still appreciate him though, its nice to have a bad cop.

Last night in the room, how weird. So alone. Waffle House with Merit and Lauren, came home and the Valentine Bear I donated  was in front of my door. So freaked out. Made Merit sleep on the top bunk that night. Moved out of the G-7. How bittersweet. I still miss parts of it. Most. Amazing. Freshman. Year. Evaaar. 

Home for the summer!

Got texting! Woohoo!

Working at movie theatre, which turned out to be an awesome summer job. So cool. Did remedial work, liked most of who I worked with, ate popcorn and drank slushies.

Met a boy at work, dated him most of July and part of August. He met the fam and everything. He really was a great catch, and I almost wish I liked him more because he was so nice, and treated me so well, and was charming to my friends and family. I just didn’t tingle enough. But I got to play big kid romance while I lived at home, which was interesting. My first taste of being emotionally attached with someone in the military, which I very much had enough of… I don’t share boys.

It’s 11:51, I’m not finishing by midnight, but that’s ok, I’m enjoying myself. It’s still not midnight in some places so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Well, he asked me out with Rockstar juiced, flirted with me while I was gross after working all day but told me I was beautiful anyway. We danced on the track, he rented cars and drove to see me multiple times a day on weekends. And then something happened on the fort and I didn’t get to see him before he left. And now he deploys this summer sometime. Funny how that happens to me.

Wrote a fall guard show! And taught a guard camp! Crazy first experience where I had no idea what I was doing… But I did ok! I fell in the wax the first day and had to go into the band room in front of the band director, drumline tech, guard sponsor, and guard. Mortified. Soaked so far into me that I had to change my underwear. Practice was obviously cut a bit early that day. Stayed at Steve’s house with David, and Annicas, and 

Oh hey it is midnight and I’m not kissing anyone. Lovely.

well, And Christina’s.

Holy cow reception is slow, I bet there are a billiongazillion sending texts right now. And I need to write down my well thought out, measurable New Years resolutions. My entire family is sitting at the table, thinking about it now.

Well, I did the camp. And then when I moved to school I went and coached about every other week, more before the show was done. And they liked me. And they want to get better, and it makes my heart smile. I’m gonna do this forever.

I moved into my new room, where I have a bathroom. I went through training. I made bboards and created a home for freshman. I helped run meetings and stuff. And I couldn’t play bad cop so I played Mom instead.

Became known for being made of bubblegum and lollipops. I’m ok if that is people’s impression of me, anything past that isn’t really anything they need to know, I like being made of happiness and precious. 

I became more aware of the gay community.

I had lots of moments with Merit.

My best friend Amanda came to see me, and it was fun.

I dont see Lauren or Monica anymore. But Trupti and I still work well

See Trupti and the boys a lot, and became the breaker of hearts and keeper of secrets.

Made sock monkies with BJ and Sarah. It was super duper cute and it live on my bed now. Totes adorable.

Started to realize people my age are getting married and having babies, not necessarily in that order. It’s so weird to think about how old I am, because I don’t feel it. Alerica… And then I feel so old fashioned for thinking it, but I really don’t feel like anyone my age is responsible enough to deal with what all of that entails. Amanda and I are calling their children ‘generation fail.’ It made me lol.

Halloween!! Went as Lady Gaga, or, Lady Rae Rae I thought it was Ray Ray until Shawn texted me about a DJ and he spelled it Rae Rae and I realized that made more since with how my name is spelled. I think it’s a keeper.

Started talking to Casanova.

Hang out with Trupti and the boys more. We make food together. I ate duck and pheasant, home shot and cooked. So weird. I don’t like thinking about it. And I eat less meat, but that happened last year too once I moved to dorm food.

Pulled a couple all-nighters throughout the year, once or twice this semester, once or twice last. I think only two of them didn’t have a one or two hour nap during it.

Auditioned for drum corp!!! Phantom Regiment, baby! Kept it a secret from most people, at least most home people, drove to Rockford and auditioned. It was terrifying, and I made a couple friends, oh, and I made callbacks and have to start paying dues and all that. They told me I moved well, I just need to concentrate more on details of the work. I still say buying Lady Gaga’s new CD and listening to “Dance in the Dark” was the key. And making myself perform the entire time.  

Casanova. That’s too messy to talk about right now. But it was a tsunami. And once again, a military boy I am emotionally attach to left without seeing me, except this time he deploys in late January/early February. You know, my birthday. 

Hung out with Amanda and Shawn and Alex multiple times.

Went bowling with most of my old HS friends, it was nice. Bowled a 99 and 95. Upset I didn’t break 100, so I’m going to have to go back…

Had an amazing Christmas and an amazing big family Christmas

Spent lots of time with my family, its so nice to be home

That’s all I can really think of now. It was a great year, full of lots of ups and downs, but most definitely more positive than negative. Way more positive. I vote it as a win! And it’s my blog so I’m right!

Its odd seeing where people my age are in life. I’ll be TWENTY in January. That’s crazy!! Well, with the people who I have hung out with, I guess starting with the seniors my freshman year and going until everyone who has graduated thus far people are all in different stages of their life. Like, married and stuff. And having BABIES. That’s crazy shit. Crazy crazy shit. It amazes me that ‘kids these days’ are so young and so… married. And then I was talking to my mother about it and I’m actually at the age where friends start to do that… Like, 5 years from now EVERYONE will be getting married. Or before that. That’s crazy. I still have so much I want to do. Now, I’m not saying I don’t want a boy to cuddle with, because that would be quite lovely and I know I’ll have one one day and be very appreciative. He will wear argyle sweaters and we will take cheesy Christmas pictures in the snow. But seriously, not right now. Seriously seriously. I have WAY to much stuff to do. I have to go to school, and march drum corp, and get a degree and then I’ll start thinking about stuff like a family and the grown-up world. I do want a boy, but I don’t need one. And I am at this independent point in life where I can sit and watch all those corny romantic Christmas movies and just be happy with me. It’s an odd place to be with all my friends being at least somewhat attached to someone, and me being, well, me. 

Also, my major is currently in shambles. Not really shambles, but it is slightly not as set as before. While I was sitting at the dining room table with my mother one evening she asked me why I wasn’t going into education because everything I talk about – reslife, coaching, etc. Isn’t my major. It’s all stuff where I interact in an educational environment. But PR is still sorta doing that… But not quite. The thing is, I LIKE advertising stuff. And planning stuff. And I would teach high school. So who know’s, I’m done thinking about it.

That’s about it, I’m just enjoying break. I went caroling with friends and apparently I have changed so much that a teacher I had didn’t recognize me… Lol. And we wrapped presents. And I stay up talking to Mom late at night. And Mom, Dad, Sis, and I all played cards. It’s nice. I like home.

I have lunch/dinner with some of the J’s tomorrow. I’m looking forward to that too.

I think I know the answer, as much as I don’t want to admit it. It makes the phone call tonight pointless, because I don’t really need to hear you say it. But you always throw me for a loop, so I don’t know for sure. Actions, however, speak much louder than words. And I’m not going to live with words and then be broken with your actions.

How can you look at me as if I were just another one of your deals?

I’m so emo. I’m tired of it. I want to go home and hang out with my family and the J’s and everything go back to normal. And I miss my friend, because he will never be the same. I wasn’t kidding when I said I feel awkward even talking on the phone with him, which deeply saddens me, because he was always someone who could make everything better. But Hakuna Matata, remember. It’s whatevs. You suck it up and go on with life, explanations not needed, people not needed. Nothing really matters. And I can’t believe what I said in that stupid book, actually saying something makes it true. But once it is real it changes everything. I might take all of it back if I knew it would change everything back, but it wont.

I still just don’t get it. Maybe I took you too seriously from the beginning, but I thought your intent was serious, you know, talking about having someone to wait at the airport for you, and saying no matter what I had to be there when you came back. And having a goal of the ‘L word’ for Christmas break. And then saying we were never dating and it wasn’t a big deal. It’s funny how things change. Change isn’t necessarily bad, I’m not really the biggest fan sometimes, but I strongly believe you shouldn’t be with someone you aren’t head over heels for. And if you fall out of like with someone its fine, but you have to tell the other person… That’s out of respect for the other person, and in no way is it mean. I just don’t get it. And I thought that I did get you… Guess not.

“You may see me struggle, but you will never see me fall.”

I’m so tired of boys, I just want to find him.

And worst of all, you never call baby when you say you will.

And I don’t mean it in the cutesy Julia Nunes  way, I mean it in the I’ma real person and deserve an explanation way. I can’t live like this. I want you, you know I want you. I don’t like taking crap, you know that. And I wont be with someone who doesn’t think I’m a priority, someone who doesn’t care about me as much as I care about them. So please don’t toy with my heart. It’s almost like you don’t realize how bad it’s gotten. And it hurts the worst that you think we weren’t anything. No, we never had a title, but you sure as hell know that we were ‘dating’ because you were the one pushing it so hard. And then crap happened to you and I stepped up and knew you needed me, so I was there. And I called you babe and acted like a girlfriend would. So I don’t know what you want from me. And I can’t just sit here and wonder forever. The next couple weeks will be interesting, because I don’t know who is coming home…

Also, everything I have said in this the last couple days has been a rant, so no one should be taking it purely at face value, it is just my way to get everything out. And it’s my blog so you can shove it if you think otherwise. But I think (and think in my reslife voice) that I need to focus on “I” statements. So I’ll do that later, but for now I’m going to study more. Non mi piace.